Just ask

Happy Almost-End-Of-Monday, All,

Today’s moment on this page with you is inspired by an interaction this weekend between family members that I was asked to…referee. In short, someone I love made a harsh comment to another person I love. When it was over, the recipient of the comment sat alone with me, a bit hurt and confused, trying to make sense of the words that she hadn’t seen coming.

“What do you think she meant?”

Words often land like a blow, and so when they do, it’s common to wonder where they came from. I’m often actually tempted to answer, as if I were exactly that all-knowing. I am not. But as a family member, friend and fellow human who people trust with their hearts, I’m often engaged in the business of deciphering meaning, softening blows and sharing the burden of unclear intentions. It’s impossible to avoid. As we move through daily interactions, sometimes something strikes a nerve, boggles the mind, hurts the heart, or touches the soul, and we’re not quite sure what the intention was.

We want to understand each other. We need to understand each other. It’s the human condition. And so, of course, I’m often drawn into that familiar conversation, the one where you reenact the event with a friend and ask them for an opinion. And of course, I’m often drawn into my own mental spin, the one where I mull over the interaction, looking for hidden meaning, even constructing smarter responses than the one I delivered in that crucial moment.

There are many, many interactions that may very well remain unclear forever. But I’ve learned a trick as a coach, and I share that trick with you:

If someone’s words hurt, confuse, or don’t make sense to you, ask them what they mean.

No, don’t rise above it. You’re not a guru.
No, don’t assign your own meaning. You’re not them and they’re not you.
No, don’t let it go. You’re unsteady for a reason.
No, don’t bury it. The buried takes root.

Instead, pause. Take a breath or a day. And then just ask. Openly. Calmly. Without assumption. I promise you, it’s infinitely easier.

Onward and upward, kids.

P.S. Your quest for meaning may fail, but your need for clarity will succeed. Be prepared for more confusion, because people often don’t fully understand themselves, and so they may not have the answer to the direct question of meaning. The simple act of asking, though, often clears the air between you, which in turn, gives some oxygen to the gift that is awareness. And this is a very good thing.